.....Neat!

Hey guys, this is my news post for Epic Quest, the NG Choose-Your-Own MSPaint Adventure! It's just like the original MSPaint adventure. I draw something. You tell me what to draw next. I draw it. You tell me what to draw next. Repeat.

I'm going to use this as the archives, and I'll update with the commands, responses, and a direct photobucket link to each panel. Any additional flavor text is in the main thread if you want to track it down. Won't this be fun? Feel free to leave comments about this project here, but suggestions go in the main thread!

Opening Title

>START
Create your character!

>Race - English
>Class - Mage
>Colour - Orange
>STR - 5
>DEX - 5
>CON - 10
>INT - 15
>WIS - 15
>CHA - 10
What is your name?

>NAME: Jackson, from the Nether of Lands
Ah, Jackson! Truly the manliest of names!
You're standing outside the main gate of STARTING TOWN

>Retrieve arms from backpack.
You've already got arms, dipshit!

>(Jackson) Must've torn off his sleeves to look more macho...
Your backpack appears to be made of what used to be your sleeves. It's probably best not to question why.

>Beg your parents the chance to browse the net one last time.
You decide to pay your parents a visit
You walk in on them having sex
You fail your FORT save

>Jackson: Go to happy forest
>Jackson: search / spot check
You begin your quest through Happy Forest. There is an evil here that does not rest.
SPOT CHECK success! You notice a bustle in your hedgerow

>Jackson: viciously attack the bush with your wand.
BURNING HANDS!
You find the charred skeleton of a homeless man

>Pour contents of bottle into charred skull and drink from said skull
Ahh, charred hobo ale, seasoned with victory. Is there nothing sweeter? Your Alc-O-Meter raises slightly

>Jackson: craft Charred Hobo Skull into a Frightening Helmet
You don't possess enough skills necessary to craft such an item, but you put it in your inventory anyway

>Carry on to the next town and hit the bar for another drink.
Nothing much happens on your trip until you bump into a wall.
Wait a minute, that's not a wall...

>Jackson: Use rope on steam on GIANT METAL JERK
>Jackson: Search containers / barrels
>Jackson: covertly hitch ride on robot's luggage
A fantastic plan! You congratulate yourself as you hurl your rope skyward.
Hmm...
In retrospect, a grappling hook would have been a good idea. Nice job, retard.

>Jackson: Tie rope into a lasso.
>Jackson: Use rope on GIANT METAL JERK
You manage to finagle a pretty convincing loop somehow, and decide it best to MAGE HAND the rope onto the pole
Things are going pretty well, until... Oh noooooooo!

>Jackson: Shout profanities at said GIANT METAL JERK to gain its attention.
You hate that jackass. You call his mother a filthy whore.

>Jackson: Look at symbol on GIANT METAL JERK's arm. It looks important somewhat!
It appears to be some sort of red dragon. You are unsure of the significance

>Jackson: cast animate rope in an attempt to get you out of this pickle.
Now you're thinking like a mage! Wheeeee!
You land with a thud inside the cargo bay of the lumbering iron man. What treasures await in these poorly drawn containers?

>Use charred hobo skull as a hammer to break open crates.
You smash open the first crate. It appears to be full of mail. Nothing very exciting... or is there?

=Author's note: I will be in NYC, attending MoCCA this weekend, June 6/7=
PAUSE

>Jackson: stop to wonder why your tiny feet don't fall right thru the cargo-net.
Much like a spider, you carefully plan each step to land on an intersection of ropes, thus ensuring your stability on an around the net and net-areas.

> No.
> Open the rightmost barrel petulantly, yet vivaciously.
Realizing that anything in that box would be a waste of time, you decide to move on to bigger, rounder containers.
By the the mighty Forges of Moradin! DORFISH WHISKEY!

>Drink it. But use your skull mug. You're a mage... A sophisticated mage!
Nothing like a mug of strong, high quality whiskey!
You black out.
You wake up somewhere, in what could possibly be a puddle of your own blood.

>check for a possible wound
FFFFFFF-

>Check to see if you still have any items on you whatsoever.
Your pack is missing!

>Look in the hole in the alcove
You look in the alcove. Above you, you can see light pouring through a crack. It probably leads outside.
You hurry outside. You're not exactly sure where you are.

>Examine the jugs outside of the houses.
You use all the stealth you can muster to silently search the jugs.
You find a smaller, glass jug.

>Pour the contents of the small jug on your wound.
You pour the contents of the small jug on your wound. The nanojugs quickly stitch up your wound, good as new.
This is pretty ridiculous.

>Jackson: Go to abandoned jug house
>Jackson: mage bolt the wooden planks
>Jackson: search inside abandoned jug house
You decide to check out the abandoned decanter house for clues. You get ready to magic some planks apart, when you see a broken window you could probably squeeze through.
This all seems very... familiar.

>Check health and magic bars.
Huh. You seem to have three other bars that you've never noticed before. You make a mental note to keep track of these things from now on.

>Jackson, pick up backpack from fireplace!
You pick up your backpack and check your inventory. You're not sure what happened to your rope or bottle, but you appear to have some gained some gold somehow! Also, your charred hobo skull has some friends! It... it's probably best not to ask.

>Cast "FOCUS" on yourself and try to remember what happened.
You spend three charges from your Mana Pool to cast GRISSOM VISION. A quick glance around and all the FORENSIC EVIDENCE comes together to play out before you, in a desaturated, off-hue flashback.
Apparently, last night you came in out of the rain, KIDNEY already missing. You planned on burning your backpack for warmth.
Unfortunately the blast from your own WAND scared the drunken crap out of you, and you tripped backwards on your own BLOOD.
For having a 15 int/wis, you're pretty fucking stupid sometimes.

>Leave house.
>Continue Adventure.
You politely assert your disagreement with one of the locals and hurry the fuck away
You wander around for a while, but can't seem to find any sort of exit. This city seems to be an endless expanse of pottery-themed buildings, although one of the buildings seems to have... garnered your attention, if you know what I mean.

>>>>>>>>

After a long period devoid of simplistic art and bombastic descriptions, you are now somewhere else for some reason! You deposit six Bloodstone Rubies into your Shitty Plot Vestibule.

>Take your glasses out of your backpack.
You remove your collectible Jugtown glasses from your inventory. Given to you by the King himself for rescuing his estranged wife while simultaneously uncovering a plot to resurrect the elder god Shub-Niggurath, these glasses represent a sacred oath to never speak, hint at, or even think about the events that transpired in the span of time between when you first entered that fateful strip club, to where you currently stand.

>Use one of the glasses as a monocle
Wow, what a fucking waste of time!

>Put one glass over your mouth and inhale so that the glass sticks to your face. And don't exhale.
Two attractive female adventurers behind you take notice of your retarded antics and start giggling.

>Take a look around and try to figure out where the hell you are now.
You seem to be in front of some kind of castle. The two ladies have grown tired of your dipshittery and have wandered off to bigger, better things.

>Talk to the info guy
"You've been standing there for months. Th' fuck do you want?"

>Start aggressively interrogating the guy about the castle
You're not sure if you're capable of such a thing. The only arguments you've ever been in have been on the internet, and even then you lose most of those.

>Tie the question mark to your hand, making it look like a hook hand. That is sure to make you more intimidating.
The intangibility of the question mark makes this an incredibly difficult task, but you give it the ol' college try. Not that you ever went to college. The information booth guy waits patiently.

>Seeing the same sign on the flag outside the castle as the one on the mech man, ask the info guy what it means.
After a lot of trial and error, you manage to position your hand in such a way that the question mark looks like it's coming out of it. You can't really move from this spot, but should the information guy glance over, he's sure to see how terrifying you've become and give you all the answers you could want. From your right, your hear a loud, resonating BLAM!
Hey, where did the information booth guy go?

>Climb through the window to see what's inside
It's gross in here.

>Search bookcase for anything useful
None of the books seem to be labeled. Which book would you like to start with?

>Open up the huge purple book first
This is, by a wide margin, the most terrifying thing you've ever held in your hands.

>Open to the bookmarked page
There are literally no words powerful enough to describe the gut-wrenching sickness that has washed over you.

>Rip out the page and eat it, Learn battle technique
Against your better judgment, your crush up the page and eat it. You sincerely hope he wasn't masturbating to that picture.
A green light erupts from the ceiling! You feel your skin tingle with magic prowess, or perhaps radiation! You'll have to get that tested soon. Something otherwordly slithers close to your crotch, but you try your hardest to put it out of your mind.
You learn a new technique: Evard's Molesting Tentacles!

>Take the shotgun
You grab the shotgun!
You don't need to load it, they did that shit for you!

>Try to find a book on Mage spells.
Hesitantly, you reach your arm towards the shelf of ancient grimoires, groping blindly for a book that may not exist, not knowing what you'll find next.
Oh, wow. This is like Christmas and your birthday all rolled into one. God, you love the dark arts.

>Jackson: Go to page 24 in the spell-book
Correction: This is better than christmas and your birthday rolled into one. There are no spells here. Only shells. An endless supply of doom, and you; it's harbinger.

>Use the tome to fill the room with shotgun shells, then ride the wave out the window in style. Air guitar with the shotgun for good measure.
This is both the most fun and most dangerous thing you've ever done, and this fact is punctuated when you hit an imaginary high note and a real trigger, causing the shotgun to go off.
The blast from the shotgun hits a poorly drawn bird!
You gain a level!

>Check for extra skill-points
No extra skill points yet, but your both your MANA POOL and your HEALTHS have increased, and they've also been replenished!

>Attempt to cast necromancy on the bird, a familiar might come in handy.
You're nowhere near high enough level to animate the dead! Besides, there's not much left to animate.

>Look around
You're still standing outside the wall bordering a large city. From where you're standing, things look more detailed then they did before.

>Jump and fire shotgun at the ground in the hopes the velocity is enough to propel you over the castle wall
This is quite clearly the best idea you've ever had. Ever.
You jump as hard and as high as your little legs can propel your awkward bean body, and then squeeze the trigger. The force of the gun propels you through the air!
...about and extra inch. You also blow off your own foot. Way to go, Mr. No Str and No Dex. You lose 4 HEALTHS and slip into the cold embrace of unconsciousness.

>Cast a spell
>Use shotgun as prosthetic leg
>Rise from the ashes
These tasks are all incredibly difficult to perform while unconscious!

You are now this guy.
What kind of adventurer are you?

>Name: Steve, from the land of Canadia
>Race: Canadian
>Class: Barbarian
>STR: 55
>DEX: 1
>CON: 1
>INT: 1
>WIS: 1
>CHA: 1
>Color: Purple
Your name is Steve BREAKSTUFF IRONFISTS, from the frigid northlands of Canadia. You use your UNGODLY STRENGTH to BREAK STUFF with your IRON FISTS.
Unfortunately, with your low WISDOM and INTELLIGENCE scores, you've forgotten to eat. Your non-existent CONSTITUTION means you die almost instantly. You will not be missed.

>Name: Richard Hardwood
>Race: Human
>Job: Warrior/Cleric of Gzemnid
>Str 16
>Dex 4
>Con 10
>Int 5
>Wis 5
>Cha 20
>Color: Green
You are now RICHARD HARDWOOD, warrior, womanizer, and w... clergyman.

>Hardwood: leave the bar and find those two chicks that made fun of Jack.
You didn't even go in that bar. What bar? You don't see any bar. Just a cute mage girl, one who could be described as "foxxxxy" (with several superfluous x's). Bang. Bitches love a healer.

>And baby, I can't hold it much longer
>It's getting stronger and stronger
>And when I get that feeling
>I want Sexual Healing
>Sexual Healing, oh baby
Oh, I seem to have shot you through the heart. Let me... patch that up for you.
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==SPECIAL FEATURES==
Epic Quest in-the-making (Video)

Oh wow, front page! Thanks everyone! And Daily Feature? HELL YEAH YOU GUYS ROCK.

I think the best part of this movie is that I did the coding for the game portion while drunk. Not too drunk, mind you, just a lil' tipsy. And if you check it out in flash, It shows. It's some goddamn sloppy coding. But it plays nice, amiright?

Also, a few hours after I submitted this, I got a message from a guy I sorta know. Apparently he made a comic a few years back that's pretty much the exact same thing as this, except mine involves masturbation and revenge. He didn't seem to mind, but I am going to pimp his online comic anyway, because it is funny and I feel bad.

(That first one links to the comic in question, and it's on a FURRY PORN WEBSITE [shock, horror!]. You've been warned.)

Thanks again, NG! And a special thanks to Deadclever32, who retaught me trig when I was too tipsy and tired to figure it out. And here's an avatar for anyone that wants it.

Alright, so I'm finally starting to work on a sequel to this, which people have been bugging me about since I released it almost five years ago. I want this new one to be a lot more than just drag & drop, with much more versatile editing options and the like.

Right now I'm just dicking around with making pieces based off real guns. Here's a screenshot for you.

Somewhere between Awesome and Mind boggling.

My submission, How I Buy Petrol?, won 3rd place for the month of March. For some reason a lot of crappy games won, like mine and Deliver That Fulp. Apparently people voted for "cheap laugh" over "games that were actually worth it", which is why I'm a step above Nevermore and Don't Look Back didn't even make the list. It's a damn shame, really, because I loved those two games.

Unfortunately, I need money to pay rent and buy food, so I feel like I'm helping with the injustice a little. But you people voted, and that's what you wanted. SO THANKS, EVERYONE! You have paid my rent for May! And I bought a Tankmen figure with my store credit.

:D

Yep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QwM4vX ex7c

First flash I've completed in over a year! And I got it sponsored by Armor Games!

Check it out!
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/
485535

So today I found out that somebody made a game where you design your own gun. Pretty bitchin'.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/
442278

Too bad I beat them to it by four years:
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/
190223

But I digress, my idea wasn't exactly original anyways. It's essentially a dress-up game with weapon bits that I made after somebody did a "make a sword" game and I asked if I could do a gun counterpart to it.

People still ask me to make a sequel to my game, and I think I might just have to. More parts, scale/rotate capabilities, things like that. The one thing people seem to want more than anything is the ability to actually use the guns, which can be done, but it would be damn near impossible (for me) with the drag/drop and turning it into an object to use later. From what I've seen, one of the best things about my crappy little game was designing ridiculous chain-fed rifles with two scopes and a flashlight, or some other hilariously retarded combination. So I think I'll keep that in mind for the sequel. I have this other game I need to finish first, then I was thinking about doing a quick tamagotchi-like game, then I'll start on this.

So ideas, comments, questions, etc. would be helpful.

I just passed my seven year mark on my Newgrounds account. I created my account on August 13, 2001. It's now August 19th. If my newgrounds account were Link when he got locked in the Temple of Time, he'd be old enough to fight Ganondorf.

How sad is that, eh?